Reproduction of this essay in whole or in part for noncommercial purposes, with attribution and with notice of
copyright, is permitted; reproduction of this essay in whole or in part for commercial purposes, or without attribution,
or without notice of copyright, without the author's express permission, is not permitted.
Commitment
Commitment to another person (or persons, but I'll write this in the singular), or to a relationship, has to do with devotion.
It has to do with valuing your partner and your relationship with your partner. It has to do with staying, and with continued
staying, and with knowing you're going to stay. It has to do with knowing that you'll help your partner through difficulties,
just as he'll help you through yours. It has to do with a sense of permanent connectedness. It has to do with nursing your
partner through illness...and with knowing all along that you would. It has to do with you and your partner's becoming
additions to each other's lives and then sharing a life together. It has to do with being good and kind and loving toward
each other--tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. It has to do with knowing that living together won't necessarily mean liking
each other every minute of every day...and that that's OK. It has to do with stability. Your partner could fall ill, or be
injured, or be disfigured, but you wouldn't leave; commitment is knowing that there's just no question of leaving--it's not
something you think of as an option. Your relationship matters to you.
Commitment does not have to do with marriage. It does not have to do with the state's giving its blessing to your being with
your partner. It does not have to do with going through a costly ceremony in front of friends and family and acquaintances.
It does not have to do with any legal contract. If you need that contract in order to feel committed to your partner, then
perhaps you should hold off a bit and see how you feel later. If you're really committed to your partner and to your
relationship, you won't need the wedding to somehow ensure that you really do value your relationship, that you really will
stay through the various vicissitudes of life, that you really have chosen to cast your lot with your partner.
Commitment also has nothing to do with sexual fidelity, although many people do expect their partners to vow to be strictly
monogamous, and it is important not to violate your partner's trust, and to abide by whatever terms of the relationship have
been agreed to. But one can be absolutely committed to a relationship without sexual fidelity's being a condition of
that relationship--and, conversely, strictly sexually monogamous partners can sometimes be...well, not so committed, as it turns
out. Commitment and devotion are independent of matrimonial status and of sexual arrangements.
Commitment is knowing your partner's quirks and idiosyncrasies and welcoming him into your life anyway. Commitment is finding
out about other quirks and idiosyncrasies...and keeping your arms open anyway. Commitment is knowing that whatever quirks and
idiosyncrasies you find out about from that point forward won't make you run screaming from the relationship. That knowing
--if you haven't experienced it, I'm not sure how to explain it; it's not the making of a pledge, but rather the knowing that
you'll keep it. It's not just the momentary feeling of bliss with your partner, but the without-a-doubt staying when you're
feeling less than thrilled with him, and the disposition toward that without-a-doubt staying. It's the decision to cast your
lot with this other person, and knowing that you'll follow through because, well, that's just what you do, and because your
partner matters to you, and because your relationship matters to you. I fear I'm not capturing it perfectly; if I think of a
better way to put it, I'll rewrite this. But for now, this will have to do: Commitment is devotion.
(© by Keith Brian Johnson)
Personal Home
Site Home